You know that feeling when you’re packing for a vacation or a work trip, where you go through your checklist over and over again but no matter how sure you are that your checklist is complete, you still feel like you’re forgetting something? That’s sort of how I feel right now. The thing is, this trip has no foreseeable finish and I’m not even leaving town… What the hell do I pack?
Ok, ok, enough ambiguity. I recently found out I’m going to be a Dad. [hold for applause] It’s funny because when it comes to congratulations there are two kinds of people and every one of your friends undoubtedly fall into one of these categories.
#1 The non-committal “I’m happy for you”/”congratulations” person. It’s a response where you truly don’t care that much either because you’re young and don’t have kids of your own yet, you’re not interested in having kids or you’ve already had kids and the act itself doesn’t impress you anymore.
#2- Women.
There aren’t a ton of men high-fiving after hearing that news from their buddy. Women on the other hand can drop a rank on the Sanity Tour. When a woman announces her pregnancy in a group, it’s like women are auctioning off responsibilities for the duration of the pregnancy. And let’s be real, if there’s any question about who the alpha is in that pride of lioness’ it will be a competition to see who will out-do the others. The good news of all that is that the pregnant woman is usually well tended to and you find how supportive your friends really are.
So I stand idle in my office looking around in silence. The cat lays on the couch as she often does, the dog is milling around the backyard in the warm evening air and my kitten is just sitting in the middle of the dining room looking at me, calmly cleaning his paw, but not breaking eye contact.
What in this room will need to go when the kid starts crawling? I’m picturing Tonka trucks or Barbies strewn across my furniture. I hear the Teletubbies in my subconscious saying, “uh ohhhhh.”. I stand solid through all this emotion commotion. But the thing that scares me the most about this kid thing? Is I’m very calm about it all.
Of all the people I know with kids and everything you see on TV, the guy always goes through this period of “Oh shit” when he finds out he’s going to be a dad. I don’t have that. I’m buckled up and ready to roll.
There’s all the typical changes a guy foresees; time, money, sleep, sex, freedom. All dwindling resources when a kid is introduced. But apparently those sacrifices are worth every moment of your child’s life. I have no doubt in my mind that is true. I’ve seen my laziest friends turn into hard workers, great fathers and overall good people. All clearly influenced by the arrival of a baby. Then there are the friends where you’re not so impressed. You often find yourself drifting from those people. Shout out to my homie Darwin! Plus I’m being honest when I say that having a baby will bring me and my wife around dirty diapers which will open the door for an arsenal of poop and pee jokes that usually go unused because of this “be a grown up” attitude I’ve been told to have. So minus having to smell and touch doo doo, I’m actually sort of excited for that.
I’m definitely worried about the money, but who isn’t? (If your answer is “me.” Go fuck yourself.) But in the midst of going through my checklist I feel good about the fact that I think I’m equipped for this trip. I have a wonderful and strong wife, great family & friends and an annoying but charming dog that won’t allow me to feel unloved at any part of the day. These are great conditions. I have a lot of love to give and I’m excited that I get to mold a human. Plus I’m super excited for the tax break. Hell yeah. What about not having to take the garbage out anymore? Or mowing the lawn? That’ll be nice. But then what about when my kid finally thinks he was slick by swiping a $20 from my wallet? Hopefully by that time, paper money will be obsolete… Then again, I swiped my dad’s ATM card a couple of times… Shoot. Oh well, karma, I’m ready to dance when you are.
Pre-Season football is a mere few days away. Oh football with my kid? They’re going to think Sunday School is held at Century Link Field from August to February… (Yes, February) Love you bitches. Comment, spread the word. Re-post my blog.
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