Living in a Fantasy

Anyone that knows me realizes my love for football. I grew up watching it with my dad, playing streetball with the neighbor kids and finally got on an actual team in 6th grade. (League Champs in '94 and '95)

When that shitty realization that summer is almost over hits you right in your grill, I bask in the fact that I will soon get to watch my Dawgs, Hawks and Colts compete for another chance at a Championship appearance (regardless how feasible it is- my passion is blinding). From August to February, I’m generally unavailable if football is on. On Saturday, Sunday and Monday, there is a chance I will be foregoing all responsibilities and sitting on my ass on the couch. [disclaimer: also the occasional Thursday] 70% of my internet use is on ESPN, NFL.com, Profootballtalk.com or the like. In fact, when I first started dating my wife I told her when it came to football, either she was in or she was out. I’m still not sure if she was just a casual fan at that point or not, but either way, she’s soldiered every football game I've ever wanted to see. In fact, for my birthday she flew us to Indy for the Hawks/Colts game a few years back. She remains interested, continues to learn and impresses me all of the time. There was a point where I had to justify the money I spend on the NFL Ticket on DirecTV and just the other day she was out of town and complained of her lack of NFL exposure… I think it’s safe to say, those discussions will be short and painless in the future.

As an avid but slowly aging fan, you find the opportunity to go out and be physically competitive to be difficult when you’re trying to juggle the responsibilities of life. Especially in this lovely Seattle weather. Sure you can get on a soccer team that plays every Wednesday or you can find a flag football team, but unless you find a solid group, you often find yourself driving 30 minutes to a field for a game only to find that half the other team is too hungover to show up. But a man has this instinct in him that requires him to compete. And whether you’re finding time to hit the gym or just sitting down to play Xbox Live against someone, most men have a need to compete.

In 1963 some evil genius that was an affiliate of the Oakland Raiders created the first Fantasy Football League. It was called the “GOPPPL” (Greater Oakland Professional Pigskin Prognosticators League). It was very basic and was a TD-only league; 50 years later it might be one of the largest sports betting options in the country. In fact according to these here interwebs, the oldest running league started in Spokane, Washington in 1981. It started as a TD-only league and maintains that archaic format to this day, but it’s OG none the less.

For those that don’t know, Fantasy Football is a league in which people draft NFL players to form a pseudo-team, scoring points according to each players statistics each week. For us football nerds, it gives us a chance to endulge in passer ratings, weekly matchups and injury reports every week while maintaining a legitimate excuse for doing so…. “I’m studying for my fantasy team.” At first my wife was concerned at the amount of time I spent reading about football but when I told her how much money 1st place gets in the league, she quickly became involved. Little did she know it’s like doing research on your favorite bourbon.

Over the years I played fantasy football with random groups of friends and each year was a little different and each year I found flaws in the system. I remember when we played on pen and paper only! We had to look up stats in the newspaper to figure out our score, then we’d call the person we were playing to discuss the score. Long story short is that maybe I’m a control freak or I truly have legitimate gripes, but most of the leagues I played in were bullshit.

There were leagues where I didn’t know everyone and while some players would dish the trash talk, they couldn’t take it. Yes, I know, I can be a bit of a dickface with my button pushing, but stop being such a baby. If you’re going to insult me, the idea isn’t to have a comeback that is nicer, the idea is to make you understand that I will assault your brainwaves with my words. It’s the least I could since Tom Brady scored 50 points on me. Those high strung dung slingers make the league less enjoyable.

There was a year where a friend asked if I had anyone to fill the last few spots in the league so I invited some other buddies. Those guys ended up taking 1st and 2nd place and never even got paid in full.

Basically--- I wanted a league that was fun and dependable. Part of the trouble was that from year to year you could never count on a league to be there for sure; You never were assured that all players paid on time. So what did I do? I did what any liberal Occupy ass-hat that has a problem with the system does, I started my own league… Oh wait no, those Occupy people just complain about the system. In any case, football is what I do on the lords day, so I aptly (and rather blasphemously) named our league “The Church”.

This league was semi-carefully chosen and was built by the people (me) for the people. A league built so that each player has a place to spend their hard earned money every season. I got 10 dudes together as best as I could for my first year as League Manager and after the first year we were left with seven. One of my best friends, we’ll call him “Gargamel” won the whole enchilada in our inaugural year and just as I would expect, he hasn’t let us forget it. Even worse than him winning was the fact that out of 10 people I got 9th… And the 10th place dude, barely set his lineup towards the end of the season…

This year was about redemption. Not only did I want to whoop Gargamel’s ass, but I wanted to remember what it was like to win. Being from Seattle, it’s not exactly the feeling I’ve come to be familiar with. Gargamel started the season 3-0 so he had momentum on his side. We met in week four and wouldn’t you know it, Papa Smurf put Gargamel in his place. As usual Gargamel continued to win after that and stayed in first place ALL SEASON LONG!!!! Until last week.

Last week I pulled out a win while he got his 3rd loss in a month and that landed our league in a 5-way tie for 1st place with a 7-4 record. As I have the most points in the season, I technically stood at 1st place finally! This time last season I was 3-8. With two weeks left in the season we approached Thanksgiving week. Three glorious football games on Turkey Day starts the week off right. My two best running backs happened to be playing eachother during the night game on Thanksgiving and as I should have, I played them both and they both pretty much shit the bed.

Nervous that I would fall out of first place after only 48 hours, I almost just accepted defeat Thursday night. The weekend played out, my Huskies won their annual rivalry game against the ******* (we dare not type their name) and the Seahawks got their ass handed to them by the struggling Redskins.

Monday night approached and this was the landscape…

I’m down by 10 points with two wide receivers to go, both on the pass-heavy New York Giants. My opponent had posted his final numbers for the week, so a win was on the horizon, but nerves are still there. Gargamel was tied in his game with a mediocre running back going against two wide receivers, a loss was iminent. A fellow 7-4’er, we’ll call him Captain Sneak Attack or CSA as he’s come to be known in the last 10 seconds… was leading by 75 points but still had to face Drew Brees and stud tight end, Jimmy Graham.

Without going too deep into the details, I needed both of them to lose. My game ended up being a blowout, I won by 33 points. Gargamel won by just under 5 points and Captain Sneak Attack got lucky as all hell and won by just 3.6 points after watching Drew Brees slowly chip away at his lead.

So here it stands, final week of our regular season and it’s bout to get grimy. I remain in the top spot at 8-4 and the highest point total. CSA is also 8-4, but is trailing by atleast 50 points. Gargamel also holding an 8-4 record trails me by a meager 8 points. There is a fourth Musketeer at 8-4 but he holds a significantly lower overall point total. Which puts me at 1, Gargamel at 2, CSA at 3 and Musketeer #4 appropiately at #4.

My matchup for this final week? GARGAMEL!!!! If I win, I lock a 1st round bye in the playoffs. If I lose, I need CSA to lose as well to maintain that 1st round bye. Forget the point totals, whoever wins my match this week is the #1 seed for the playoffs! The defending league chump who loved rubbing my face in it all off-season is between me and my #1 spot. I beat him once this season but will need to sweep him to retain my dominance. I’m nervous, but god damn am I excited! COMPETING. It’s a special thing. I wish I was on a field screaming in excitement over a win, but as I finished up my TPS reports, logged off of my computer, found my way home through a horrific commute, I was greeted by a delicious dinner and a football game between two teams I could give a shit about, yet the games outcome meant the world to me!

Anxious for the website that hosts our league to post the updated records and points, I sit here thinking of all the ways this week might play out. My matchup is semi-favorable, I’m interested to see the line; And although CSA and the 4th Musketeer are playing opponents with a combined record of 9-15, I’m ready to dictate my own fantasy fate. I’m pumped. It sounds absurd to some of you. It sounds downright nerdy to a lot of you. But for all of you neigh-sayers out their calling fantasy football stupid… When was the last time you were this excited for something?

I've missed you

The clock started.

The ticking is all I can think about for the initial few moments. My brain is cognizant of the task at hand, but where do you begin? You invest all of your time, all of the passion, all of the focus that you can spare; And these efforts that shall consume your being for the foreseeable future, they all hinge on this moment.

Instead of focusing on my goal, I think back to all of the excitement I felt knowing it approached on the horizon. The days got shorter but as that warm air kept me comfortable, I sat in silence knowing that the sun setting early and the air cooling down meant I had something to look forward to.

People talk about love, but rarely is it ever conveyed in a manner that it should be. Love is not a desire or a title… It’s a vehicle to enlightenment. Love is weird, when you find it it’s like the most obvious and clear path just opens up right in front of you. There are sticks in the path and forbidden fruit lining your way, but like the yellow brick road, love makes it easy to see the path when you’re looking.

The job is pretty simple- Give more than you take.

I know I’m not alone in this love I have in my heart. I can always count on things being ok. Some weeks are harder than others, but this passion allows you to move on. Sometimes as quick as three days later.

Sometimes I catch myself day dreaming about the beauty and grace that evades my eyes for months at a time. The movement is so smooth, but it’s so powerful. Strength and control that the normal human cannot manage. The thought of it makes me flutter a little.

But as I sit there day dreaming about my life and how soon I will be reunited with my love, my friend clearly says to me with a mouthful of pizza. “Hey dick face, it’s your pick.”

I look at my fantasy sheet and choose Chris Johnson with confidence… Knowing that although it might be hard times, we’ll get through it.

Thank God football season is here.

-Cole

Fantastic Voyage

You know that feeling when you’re packing for a vacation or a work trip, where you go through your checklist over and over again but no matter how sure you are that your checklist is complete, you still feel like you’re forgetting something? That’s sort of how I feel right now. The thing is, this trip has no foreseeable finish and I’m not even leaving town… What the hell do I pack?

Ok, ok, enough ambiguity. I recently found out I’m going to be a Dad. [hold for applause] It’s funny because when it comes to congratulations there are two kinds of people and every one of your friends undoubtedly fall into one of these categories.

#1 The non-committal “I’m happy for you”/”congratulations” person. It’s a response where you truly don’t care that much either because you’re young and don’t have kids of your own yet, you’re not interested in having kids or you’ve already had kids and the act itself doesn’t impress you anymore.
#2- Women.

There aren’t a ton of men high-fiving after hearing that news from their buddy. Women on the other hand can drop a rank on the Sanity Tour. When a woman announces her pregnancy in a group, it’s like women are auctioning off responsibilities for the duration of the pregnancy. And let’s be real, if there’s any question about who the alpha is in that pride of lioness’ it will be a competition to see who will out-do the others. The good news of all that is that the pregnant woman is usually well tended to and you find how supportive your friends really are.

So I stand idle in my office looking around in silence. The cat lays on the couch as she often does, the dog is milling around the backyard in the warm evening air and my kitten is just sitting in the middle of the dining room looking at me, calmly cleaning his paw, but not breaking eye contact.

What in this room will need to go when the kid starts crawling? I’m picturing Tonka trucks or Barbies strewn across my furniture. I hear the Teletubbies in my subconscious saying, “uh ohhhhh.”. I stand solid through all this emotion commotion. But the thing that scares me the most about this kid thing? Is I’m very calm about it all.

Of all the people I know with kids and everything you see on TV, the guy always goes through this period of “Oh shit” when he finds out he’s going to be a dad. I don’t have that. I’m buckled up and ready to roll.

There’s all the typical changes a guy foresees; time, money, sleep, sex, freedom. All dwindling resources when a kid is introduced. But apparently those sacrifices are worth every moment of your child’s life. I have no doubt in my mind that is true. I’ve seen my laziest friends turn into hard workers, great fathers and overall good people. All clearly influenced by the arrival of a baby. Then there are the friends where you’re not so impressed. You often find yourself drifting from those people. Shout out to my homie Darwin! Plus I’m being honest when I say that having a baby will bring me and my wife around dirty diapers which will open the door for an arsenal of poop and pee jokes that usually go unused because of this “be a grown up” attitude I’ve been told to have. So minus having to smell and touch doo doo, I’m actually sort of excited for that.

I’m definitely worried about the money, but who isn’t? (If your answer is “me.” Go fuck yourself.) But in the midst of going through my checklist I feel good about the fact that I think I’m equipped for this trip. I have a wonderful and strong wife, great family & friends and an annoying but charming dog that won’t allow me to feel unloved at any part of the day. These are great conditions. I have a lot of love to give and I’m excited that I get to mold a human. Plus I’m super excited for the tax break. Hell yeah. What about not having to take the garbage out anymore? Or mowing the lawn? That’ll be nice. But then what about when my kid finally thinks he was slick by swiping a $20 from my wallet? Hopefully by that time, paper money will be obsolete… Then again, I swiped my dad’s ATM card a couple of times… Shoot. Oh well, karma, I’m ready to dance when you are.

Pre-Season football is a mere few days away. Oh football with my kid? They’re going to think Sunday School is held at Century Link Field from August to February… (Yes, February) Love you bitches. Comment, spread the word. Re-post my blog.

Obstacles

Whether it's a boulder in the road or a dick head boss, obstacles are objects, ideas or people in between yourself and a goal. I'm always big on telling people to identify their obstacle and find ways to negotiate the path. I'm stuck on a chapter in my book but while I know the steps I need to take to get around the object I find myself hesitant to proceed.

Am I scared of the obstacle? Ive been procrastinating like a mofo! Now I find myself all but ready to hit this chapter hard... Then "Before I Self Destruct" starring 50 Cent comes on as a late night movie... Guilty pleasure; Rapper movies.

50 gets a B
Lloyd Banks gets a B -
Everyone else gets a B too...
The director on the other hand, SUCKS. It's like 50 wrote the movie and nobody revised his draft except Tony Yayo. The one thing I will say is I think 50 is a genuine good guy bc the only times he seems 100% natural is when he's interacting with his little brother in the movie.

50's little brother is a boy genius, going to NYC public schools but being recruited by the ivy leagues at age 12. 50 is an ex high school basketball star turned neighborhood hit man. Mom (who looked as old as 50) dies in some cross fire early so it's just 50 & the kid. bet the kid dies. 50 & The Kid should be a western movie starring Curtis Jackson and Justin Beiber.

So, my obstacle is 50 Cent....

Ugggh.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Seattle...

Hey Seattle... Are you friggin kidding me?

Let's talk about a few things.
1. It's almost August and I've used my windshield wipers ever day this week.
2. The Mariners just lost their 17th in a row.
3. We're opting out of re-signing Matt Hasselbeck to sign two of the league's most mediocre quarterbacks.

Phenomenal day for the city, don't you think? Now let's get into it.

The rain? I get it, it's Seattle. And truthfully it's been really warm when it's raining so it's not that bad. What is bad is when all the forecasts say it'll be sunny and 70, only to emerge from a building at any given time in the day to be sprinkled on like you're next to a staggering drunk at the trough of a mens room in the Kingdome.

It's real hard to plan a tee time or even pick out your outfit with weather like this. I feel like Mother Nature is on the rag. Make up your mind lady! Now being a Seattlite my whole life, I know that August through mid-October is generally our nicest time, but the words June and July should be synonomous with sunshine. I wouldn't want to live in Arizona or Southern California where it's warm 85% of the time, but give me a break. We paid our dues during Fall, Winter and Spring. I get a sense that the government controls our weather.

I digress.

Mariners? Not worth it. Their offense is pathetic and their defense shows up at all the wrong times.

Seahawks? Hmmm... Let's be honest, if you're not a football fan or a Seahawks fan in particular, you can probably stop reading. But if you are a fan, I'm interested to hear your perspective on today's moves.

The lockout is over, teams are free to start wheelin and dealin and Pete Carroll does not waste any time. From the get-go everyone knew a lockout was coming, Hasselbeck was clearly going into free agency, yet we did not re-sign him before the lockout. I figured the front office was being practical; Why committ to a contract right before a new Collective Bargaining Agreement will be created, possibly giving the owners more leverage in negotiations?

Well the lockout is over and it looks like Hasselbeck is done in Seattle. Part of me is bummed as he really was the embodiment of Seahawk football as I know it as an adult. I wasn't always his biggest fan (I'm sure many hold a similar opinion to Dave Kreig), but he was our leader and in reality, he led us to some great seasons. Amidst a shitty line, injuries both to his main weapons as well as himself, he still got out there and played his butt off.

There are definitely some stupid interceptions burned into my memory and nobody can forget that day in Green Bay when he uttered those idiotic words before OT... "We want the ball and we're gonna score." Truthfully I hope he keeps his houses here and retires here, because the man is a fantastic role model and does great things for the community. However I'm more than happy to have my team whoop his ass twice a season.

Our new quarterback scenario? It's actually not as bad as one might think. We have Charlie "Clipboard Jesus" Whitehurst who came in the last game of the season to beat the Rams to clinch the division and a playoff birth. And as far as what is on the schedule (free agents can't sign until Friday), Tarvaris Jackson formerly a Viking and USC golden boy, Matt Leinart are both set to sign with the Seahawks.

Jackson's career passer rating in six seasons is higher than any of Hasselbecks last three seasons. Not the most solid stat in the world, but it's a start. Jackson is also reunited with his offensive coordinator from Minnesota in Darrell Bevell; That should help ease his transition onto the team. Leinart? Well, he's a wild card. Truthfully I think he's athletic and talented, but as a first round pick with a lot of expectation he did not rise to the occassion.

I bet we get him fairly cheap, if he looks good in camp, he'll make the team and be a solid backup. I think Seattle is a great place for him to maybe get his shit together since he's with his college coach that recruited him, taught him and helped him thrive. This is a Heisman winner, let's not forget.

TONS of players play below their abilities in certain environments. Some times it's their own faults for acting like bitches, but I'd be willing to bet a city laid back like Seattle, with his college coach and the right opportunities, Matt Leinart could seriously compete for the starting spot. But him being a lefty, I think Carroll's opinion of the performance of the two rookie lineman on the right side will impact his decision on whether Leinart should be the starter or not. Talented or not, the blind side must be protected.

At the end of the day I'd be willing to bet that of the three QB's I mentioned, only two make it out of camp. We'll bring in some cheap young buck as the third stringer and we'll use the extra cap room to make some other moves. (re-signing Mebane and going after Robert Gallery)

The Seahawks news I'm undecided on. I'm half excited, half like "WTF?". I have just enough faith in Pete Carroll to not stew on it just yet. Thankfully camp starts this week and we'll be in games in about a month so we won't have to wait too long to see everything come to fruition. Let's win the division again, make some moves to allow us to trade down for a good rookie QB in the draft next season... AND we're golden.

Seattle- we have a love/hate relationship. I hated you at the beginning of this blog, but now I sort of love you again. Thanks for listening.

Words

Words
Some people utter them simply to make a noise,
Some are spoken, but meant to be kept between the boys.
But what annoys and destroys all the thoughts that we employ,
Is that the words that we choose to use, well, some we need to avoid.
Bullshit, fuck, douschebag, cunt.
Words given meaning for you to be able to what?
SPEAK THEM.
I’m sorry that the words relayed are a little abrasive,
But it’s better they come right for you rather than remaining evasive.
We become persuasive because of our choice of these words,
Nouns plus an adjective and the occasional verb…
We speak to convey our thoughts or position,
Some might say, “I must pay student loans.” I say, “Fuck tuition.”
Now the first might imply that a person is polite, but your sentence, though factual, does not contain your plight.
I think it’s fair to say, the latter statement was informative,
Even just reading it, you can imagine me performing it.
These words indicate, describe, portray and explain, everything from love, hate, jealousy, guilt and pain.
So excuse me for indicating that my perspective has zeal, why say anything at all if you don’t get how I feel?
“Blow me” means no thank you. “Fo sho” means of course. If we’re going to “put something in the air” that means meet me on the back porch.
But my words, much like my passion are a necessity of existance, the reason I speak and write like I do is because I don’t believe in resistance.
Your brain produces thoughts, but society installs a filter, and not saying what you mean will soon knock you off kilter. So as we pilfer the opinion from snobs on political correctness, you’ll read this rant or my blogs and you probably won’t get this…
But if you don’t do what you say and say what you feel, any feeling of freedom is not really real.

Casey Anthony is a shit head.

An Interesting, Low-Key, yet fulfilling Friday

I have been on a decent tear with my writing lately. Watching my story bloom in front of my eyes has been refreshing. However it comes with a price. I've been up late and up early all week and today it all finally caught up with me.

Exhausted to start off my Friday I grabbed a coffee which didn't help, then later picked up a Rockstar. What that led to was headache and me crawling into bed almost immediately after coming home from work. Sleeping until 9pm I woke up to find my wife ready for bed. It was a quiet Friday. But I truthfully love the Fridays where I'm doing close to nothing.

From there I watched the last hour of 8 mile and about 40 minutes of that new show "Torchwood: Miracle Day"... Motivating myself to do a few things this evening I got up and went into the office... This is when the night motivated me to write something.

Thirsty I went to the fridge. A lot of you know I've developed an intolerance to what I think is sulphites. What that means is no beer or wine. After going about a year without a single beer (but plenty of bourbon) I tried a Coors Light a couple of weeks ago which was said to have no sulphites, and I lived. Staring into my fridge I had some Bud Light from a recent party. So I got bold and went for it. So far so good.

Sitting down in my office chair with a rare beer, I turned on the tv to find some background noise. A replay of this years BCS Championship was on, so that's what I'm watching. Ahhhhhh, football is near. NFL or not, atleast the colleges won't bend me over this season.

Realizing I still needed to bring the trash cans in, I went outside. The dog followed me as did our 7 month old cat. Having been fairly careful at acclimating the cat to the outdoors over the past few months, there hasn't been a lot of times that I'd seen him out front. Walking to the mailbox one house down, I needed to grab the mail I neglected to pick up earlier, the dog and cat followed excitedly. The kitten sprinted past me with the and stopped right at the mailbox. The sound of the pads of his paws connecting with the pavement was loud in relation to the silence on my street. I grab the mail, the dog and cat fight in the tall grass by the mailbox, we go back. However after a moment of quietly wrestling in the front yard in the warm Friday air, the dog darted for the gate knowing that's where I was going, but the cat darted down the street as if going for a jog.

The cat got two houses down when he finally stopped. Attempting to lure him back, he ignored my calls. Shooting across the street and into the dark I thought, "I hope he knows what he's doing." Walking away assuming my animal was smart enough to find his way home I brought the garbage cans in and closed the gate.

Me and the dog come back inside and I sit down at my desk reviewing the mail. Seeing a medium sized manilla envelope addressed to both me and my wife I curiously open it. Opening it up with my knife I see two cards wrapped in tissue paper. They were hand made cards from my step-grandmother that I haven't really spoken to since my Grandfather died a few years back. Inside my card laid a crisp $5 bill. Haha. I love this woman. 29 year old married man with a mortgage still gets a crisp $5 bill for his birthday.

This woman is notorious for her hand made hippy gifts. I'm going to list a few fun gifts of the past.
-Home made bags of carmel corn for Christmas (I was like 8..)
-Home made survival kits complete with alcohol wipes, re-usable spork, a space blanket and a packet of space food in a nice piece of tupperware. (Birthday gift)
-A necklace made from a leather string, a purple rock of some kind and some wiring to hold the rock.

And she always wrapped the presents in FOIL??????? lmao. My grandpa had money too, so it made it that much funnier. She's such a nice person, but weird as hell.

Ooh, it looks like the Ducks and Tigers are tied at 19. Who will win???

Looks like Dexter found his way home b/c he's eating very loudly right now.

I'm going to swap out my podcast logo, courtesy of my talented wife.

Then I'm going to bed as I have a Sounders game to attend tomorrow.

Overall I'm content with my Friday.

-Management.

I am number Four (minus 1)

So the declaration was four blogs in three days. Unfortunately I didn't make it. I did however knock out the other 97% of the things I set out to accomplish this weekend.

I wrote three blogs. One about motivation, one about the wife being away and now this one. This one isn't going to be anything incredibly exciting but it will be my Doogie Howser M.D. journal entry of the week.

3 of 4 ain't too bad. I actually have reviewed about 9 chapters into my book and made some changes and additions. I have a chunk I need to add towards the beginning and straighten out some dialogue for Chapter 9, but it's looking really good. When I started this weekend I was at 27,000 words, I'm now at almost 33,000. The average book is anywhere from 80,000-120,000; Essentially I'm 25% there.

What if people actually liked the book? What if poeple loved it? What if they asked me to write another one? What kind of money do they pay? Would I have enough time to write while maintaining a full 40 hour/week job? What happens when that becomes a reality?

That will become a reality.

Writing is tricky but much like anything else, when you love doing something, it's hardly work. I even wrote out the outline for a whole new book this weekend. I dove right in and wrote the summaries for the first three chapters too, then realized time is money, so I focused on Book#1 before going any further with book #2. Now I have an option for when I'm done with this one.

Speaking of work, I have to get up in 5 hours. I love you bitches, but #3 will have to end with a good night.

If you guys have suggestions on any topics you'd like me to disect, let me know. "What's the deal with elevators?" lol...

Weekend Warrior

Why am I writing this blog? Well, I’m not exactly sure. I know I told myself four blogs in three days. It was an attempt at making sure I stay on top of my writing. A new declaration of sorts. Well I wrote #1 last night. I would’ve liked to have sorted through the ideas in my head earlier today, but the day has come and gone and my many chores have been accomplished but I sit in front of my computer mentally and physically exhausted from the day and struggle to find a topic.

I suppose the wife being out of town puts an interesting spin on my weekend. I guess it’s normal as any other weekend, but when she’s gone I feel motivated to ensure that I accomplish stuff. Like she leaves the fort so I want her to know that when she gets back, shit has been taken care of. In putting that to paper I realize how much my wife does around the house. I was busy all damn day just getting stuff done around the house. But my wife, very much like my mother, likes to maintain a pristine domain. And I think we’re good for her imminent return.

I wonder if I can squeeze in 9 before I have to get her from the airport? Hmmm… Ah shit, I’ll be writing blog #3. I suppose that’s a good thing. I digress.

You know what’s funny? The house is clean now, but if you walked in this morning you would think there were three college students living here. I had left shit laying everywhere. Plates on my desk, dirty dishes in the sink (we have a dishwasher), my coat was on the couch. Pillows scattered around the living room (Thanks Kota), bed unmade, closets open… It was ridiculous. I woke up this morning and just getting fresh eyes on the house, I thought, “damn, I’m a fucking slob.”

After a day of knocking chores out with a Van Damme windmill kick, I got down to business and cleaned the house. Truthfully the day was not as laid back as I had pictured it. But I did realize the allure to when the wife leaves town. I think men are pre-disposed to have a variety of annoying habits that in small increments can be either charming or at the very least, a little humorous. But it’s when you start to string the annoying actions together that women start to glare.

The other night some commercial came on with a rather attractive female and I said “ooh”, she gave me the stink eye and my response was a boisterous fart. I thought it was hilarious but she did not. Now had I done one or the other, I think it’d escape that steal trap of a memory of hers, but instead she made a mental note that she married a pig.

The point I’m trying to make is that when the wife is gone I can connect every annoying habit together with a string of freedom. I shit with the door open, I had ice cream for breakfast, I watched Sportscenter in the nude, I blasted Ted Nugent for an hour as I roamed the house procrastinating before I attacked the day. And attacked the day I did. I had that bitch in a darse choke but when I spent an hour and a half taking my weed whacker apart because it’s a piece of shit, putting it back together then having the pull cord snap… the day escaped from my darse choke, rolled out and stayed out of my reach until the bell rang.

Overall the day was a success. I just wish I could’ve submitted that bitch.

In any case it’s late, I have my Beethoven Pandora channel playing and I’m writing this blog. I think I shall spend some time tweaking my book, then ending the night with a few chapters from Mockingjay (The Hunger Games part III). Great book.

Anyway I’m out. Hopefully you readers made it to the end.

Motivation

I love the feeling of motivation. It’s an odd little emotion that can be very elusive at times if you’re not careful. It’s that point where you set a goal, no matter how small or large. You focus on that goal and envision the path to accomplish it; Motivation is that feeling that makes you take that first step towards your goal.

Motivation comes from all types of sources. It can come from a television show. It can come from a failure of some sort or it can even come from a big accomplishment. It can simply be an outlet for passion; a gift that should not be taken for granted.

For some a drunken night that landed themselves in the pokey might be the catalyst to get your shit together. Maybe you’re competitive and your brother is going Pre-Law so you up your game and go Pre-Med. Maybe a loved one got sick and motivated you to live healthier. Maybe you’re tired of monotony. One that I’ve seen be a good motivator is finding out you’re going to have a baby. I’ve seen fuck ups transform to great people and parents in a span of nine months.

Motivation.

The downside to it is that it can be a slippery son of a bitch.

The trick of keeping yourself motivated is being conscious of your progress in life. Are you making progress or are you content with going through the motions? Go to college, get your degree, go get a job and get promotions… Yeah, that’s the cookie cutter path that we’re told to live. Apparently I’m living it. But for some reason there’s a feeling inside me that I can’t shake. I love my job, but I’m almost positive I’m not meant to spend my life in a cubicle working with suppliers in Asia for customers in Europe. My progress in life can be moving much faster. My life has been spent looking at things with a different perspective. And as egocentric as it may sound, that perspective needs to be seen. So fuck it… I’m motivated.

Last year I took a workshop with hometown comedian Kyle Cease and comedian legend Louie Anderson. It was a workshop about being a stand up comedian. I’ve always thought I’d like telling jokes for a living and it just so happened that I considered Kyle Cease one of the smartest and most witty comics out there so I was intrigued to peep it. And at the end of the day, I’m not sure I can juggle the commitment that it takes to be a stand up and provide for my family. I can however use every single thing he taught and apply it to my writing.

So this is sort of a declaration. I started a book about three years ago. Somewhat of a sci-fi book akin to things like The Hunger Games and the many Graphic Novels that litter my book shelves. I sunk about one year into it and got through the first act no problem, but we bought a house, we got married and we’ve been playing Mr. and Mrs. Homeowner. Well now I want to pay this house off.

So starting right now I’m dedicated to writing at least 20 pages a month. I’ve even begun laying out an outline for a new book. I’m also dedicated to writing at least one blog every other week. It’s not hard, it’s very doable; I just have to do it. Motivation… I got your ass.

Listen folks- motivation is one of the most useful tools one can possess. You set some goals for yourself, no matter how small or large, lay out a path to achieving that goal and use your will power to take that first step toward your goal…. I promise you will benefit. And when all is said and done the feeling of accomplishment cannot be matched.

The Trifecta

Glasses? Check.
Wallet? Check.
Phone? Check.
Hangover? Check, check and check.

This is how my morning began. Waking up on a couch unsure when you got there is usually an indicator that you had fun last night and that you're bound to feel like shit for the next few hours (at least).

Growing up as an adolescent my best friend introduced me to a child hood friend of his that had moved away when we were younger. All three of us eventually became about as close of friends as I feel comfortable with without removing any clothing. Here we are 13 years later and I still consider these two jabroni's my best wingmen.

Unfortunately D-bag #1 moved 9 hours away to Idaho so in order to see him we had to put a road trip in. Getting on the road as early as we could Kenny and I made decent time when treking across three states en route for an evening of watching Ninja Assassins and eating cold pizza. Actually though, I haven't laughed as hard as I did that night in a LONG time.

Night number two comes around and Willy somehow convinces two 29 year old guys that a house party with people he doesn't really know is an acceptable plan. Upon arrival, it was the exact kind of party I'd like to attend... If I knew the host. Live band, swimming pool, lots of food and drinks and friendly people. However it felt alot like I crashed a family reunion. Upon getting introduced to various people I found out that everyone was related to someone in one way or another at this party. If you weren't the brother, you were the brother-in-law. If you weren't the brother-in-law, you were the mechanic that fixed daddy's car for 20 years. In any case, the people were friendly as hell but I felt out of place like porno in the cartoon section of the movie store... Then again I suppose there are cartoon porns.

In any case we end up at Cowgirls later in the night. Complete with a roach coach out front (which I definitely utilized, I just don't remember what I ate). A few shots and crown on the rocks later and the night has begun. Honestly I'm not much for dancing but get me a comfortable seat, a witty friend and I can simply people watch for an entire evening. The night is cracking, people filed in like it was the only club in the area (which I'm guessing is not far off).

The DJ announced for the girls to get up on the bar for a little dancing and leading the pack was a woman that likely played D-Line for Boise State at one point. If you've ever been to Cowgirls you know that girls get up on stage and dance to some songs a few times per evening; And above the bar is a long pipe or bar with ropes to hang on to as you dance so you don't eat it. Well this lady got into position and was hanging on that rope so heavily that the bar started to move a little. I see the bartender tap his buddy on the shoulder and for a few moments they stay near this lady as if to be unofficial spotters incase that support bar is not up to code. Although, you're looking for trouble if two skinny dudes with feaux-hawks are the only thing between her and the floor. No deaths occurred, not even an interesting mis-step, but being from Seattle, it occurred to me that only in a city like Nampa, Idaho would you find a proud Girlcow shaking what the good lord gave her.

The night continued on drinking and bs'ing with random people, ending with the lights getting turned on to usher people out the door and Kenny and I stand there scoping the club to ask eachother "where the fuck is Willy?"... Well, the kid I've never seen two step to his favorite songs was out on the dance floor looking like Antonio Banderas teaching a salsa class to a shoe-less volunteer.

Needless to say there was one more person in the vehicle as we made our exit. Truthfully that was about when my memory of the evening faded away. I remember raining 3's from the couch into the Little Tykes hoop in the living room and wondering if the Sock Bandit would strike later that evening... But my recollection of anything at that point is reserved for the quiet that filled the room as she made the Walk of Shame. The Sock Bandit struck again.

But here it is about noon Mountain Time and my hangover is a little subdued and I'm ready to start the day. I'd drive 9 hours for a weekend like this anytime. I just might slow my alcohol consumption down...

A Big Weekend for Sports!!!

During the winter, spring and summer I do mainly one thing when I find myself with some unoccupied moments and that’s read up on the upcoming NFL season; However as far as I’m concerned there’s only two seasons; Football season and the off-season. My addiction is to the point where when I first began dating my now-wife I immediately explained that from mid-August to early-February, she can count on my weekends being dominated by the NFL. Turns out, she’s almost as big of a fan as I am. FTW.

Each football season begins anew with hopes for success, high expectations and a sense of progress. Each win builds your confidence, each loss hurts your pride. But win or lose during the season, the ultimate goal is to reach the playoffs en route to the Super Bowl. The Super Bowl is the single most viewed television event in the world… Last year’s Super Bowl yielded over 106 million viewers, bringing in over 3 million dollars for a 30 second commercial spot. Do the math on that for a 4 ½ hour television event. Each season we find a reason to get hyped up for the last game of the season. And for as long as I can remember, each season I find myself in front of the TV cheering or jeering.

The Super Bowl is not only the last game of the season, but it’s the game that determines who will get the bragging rights for the next six months. This year is a special circumstance however. With the current status of the CBA, there is no telling if we’ll even have an NFL season come August.
That could mean this could be the last game for a long while. And even worse- depending on how the meetings go, the NFL of tomorrow could end up disappointing us… But with all this bullshit circulating and all the opinions floating around about how things might go in the game and in the coming meetings, it’s not Sunday’s match up that gets me excited this year, it’s Saturday’s.

Not only is one of the UFC’s most exciting and dominant fighters fighting on Saturday, he’s fighting someone that will give him some competition. The last few fights for Anderson Silva were fitted to Silva’s strengths. A couple fights back when Silva fought Demian Maia, I considered writing Dana White an email explaining that I deserve my money back for the half assed performance we got from Silva. He was fighting someone so inferior that Silva didn’t even have to hit the kid and he would fall to his back to avoid taking continual strikes to his nugget.

Three fights ago when Silva fought Forrest Griffin you were sure Silva had the upperhand but you were also confident Griffin could strike his way into a good fight… WRONG. Silva was SO DOMINANT that he not only looked a bit like Ali with his footwork but he stuck his chin out to bait Griffin and finally finished Griffin off with a jab as he walked backwards playfully. Griffin didn’t even bother sticking around once the fight was over, he ran straight to the showers. Presumably because his ‘light flow” pad wasn’t cutting it.

I think we can all agree we were a bit surprised at how dominating Chael Sonnen looked in the last fight but Silva being as precise as he is, his complacency in the guard left you to believe he had a plan. Sure enough after five rounds of Sonnen smothering Silva, Silva locked in a triangle armbar and officially defended his title again.

Tomorrow could be different.

We have Vitor Belfort and Anderson Silva ready to go blows. The last few fights have had little appeal to those of us that want to at least expect the chance of a Silva loss. Not that I want Silva to lose, frankly I love him, but much like my indifference to the Super Bowl this year, I just want to see a good match. Vitor has the chin and hands to wear Silva down. But let’s be real, Anderson Silva holds his money in a wallet that says “Bad Motherfucker” on it.

The quality fights do not end there either. We have Forrest Griffin and Rich Franklin going heads. Two All-American white boys that remind you of your cousin in that small town that at first glance look borderline retarded, but you know for certain that they can whip the shit out of you if you call them on it.

Another fight I’m excited about is Ryan Bader and Jon Jones. Frankly Bader has more technical skill in my opinion but Jon Jones continues to get better and he is clearly the better athlete. Dude was born to hurt people.

I think the reason I’m more excited about Saturday than Sunday is because there is no stupid fucking team wearing black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow. I know I said I’m indifferent to the game on Sunday but that’s only because neither of my favorite teams are involved. But the Steelers, though amazingly successful in their history, make me sick to my stomach.

I think I’d be happier watching the Yankees win another ring than I would to see the Steelers and Ben “Alleged” Rapelesberger pick up that trophy again.. It’s a shame too because I think Coach Mike Tomlin deserves it. Hines Ward’s smug smile makes me want to fashion a prison shiv and catch him at a White Castle ordering a 6pk of sliders… And hearing Terry Bradshaw verbally felate the program every time the name ‘Steelers’ is mentioned makes me want to rip his Hulk Hogan hair cut off of his big head.

As I type this, guess what just came on the NFL Network? None other than a replay of the infamous Super Bowl XL. I remember February 5th, 2006 vividly; And I was rather hammered that day. I’m contemplating a heroin overdose right now. The thing is, I don’t know where to get heroin nor do I want to leave this world 68 hours before the Steelers lose to Aaron Rodgers and the Cheeseheads.

I only know a few people with enough of a lack of self respect to root for the Stoolers, so I will happily call them out right now. Amy and Buzz… You are gay. Everyone be safe this weekend.

Thanks,
Management.

P.S. Roethlesberger was clearly not in and Daryl Jackson did not “push off”… That’s a 14pt swing for a game won by 11 points. In both cases, Steelers players were recorded AT THE GAME confirming both of these instances. Fail.