I really feel like I’m getting old. I mean my week generally consists of work, spending time with the family, golf and doing yard work. I hear songs 6 months after they were popular, I hear teenagers using slang I don’t know and the slightest bit of idiocy on Facebook throws me into a rant that I can’t stop.
I turn 30 in a little over 3 weeks and at 10,958 days old (Yeah, I included leap year if you’re trying to be a dick about it), it’s finally starting to set in. I don’t feel old in comparison to the general population, but it is quickly becoming apparent to me that I’m no longer considered young by many. These little girls maybe 13 or 14 came to my door a few weeks back asking if I had seen their dog and I told them no. A small conversation began as the girls acted like teenage girls, talking over each other and speaking at a pace the Micromachine Man would envy. One of the girls asked me a question that I did not hear clearly and before I could respond, the other girl says to her friend, “he wouldn’t know that, he ain’t yolo.” It was like a kidney shot that didn’t necessarily hurt, but it definitely got my attention.
These three young girls sat on the front steps of my house and threw a slang word at me that I did not understand. I didn’t know if they were making fun of me, insulting me or what. If you’ve ever worked at a restaurant, you can equate it to when the Mexicans in the kitchen switch to speaking Spanish when you come into the kitchen. (If you think that’s a racist statement, you clearly have never worked in a restaurant)
What are these kids even saying? Yolo? Is that like the coconut flavor of a Rolo? You god damn kids, get off my lawn!
Then there is the media. I don’t know the details of any of these young musicians, actors, etc, but their demeanor just looks ridiculous. Remember when the icons were Sinatra, Eastwood, the Duke? These guys were real tough guys, men to look up to. Then in my generation the bad asses got a lot more buff for even more metro sexual… Van Damme wore tights in every movie he ever appeared in. Schwarzenegger went from being a murdering cyborg to playing a pregnant man in Junior. And Eddie Murphy, still considered one of the greatest stand-up acts of all time, but Axel Foley now runs a Daddy Day Care? Please thank Bruce Willis for at least trying to pick up the slack for the generation.
Now the kids look up to guys like Beiber and the sparkly vampire fellow. All of the younger generation makes no sense to me. Guys are wearing skinny jeans and a wool scarf in the middle of the summer and girls are LOVING IT. I see these kids making idiots of themselves, meanwhile I think back to my parents opinions of the people I looked up to and think Shit. I am becoming my parents. Is this inevitable? I suppose anyone who avoids this feeling of getting old, then unbeknownst to them transforms into the old weirdo that still thinks he’s twenty. I work with a guy like that. I’d bet money he owned a Firebird at one time.
But besides the fact that 16 and Pregnant is a show, and fads like skinny jeans and scarves exist, the thing that I think is really making me feel old is Facebook. It blows my mind at the level of idiocy that resides on that site. I think my two favorite types of people on Facebook are the preachers and the complainers. The preachers always have advice but rarely have their shit together. The complainers must just suck at life because things are rarely good for them from their perspective. The problem is it’s half entertaining and it’s half depressing. It’s funny to watch people air out their dirty laundry then turn around and say “I hate drama”. WE ALL KNOW ONE OF THEM. It’s depressing because these people are adults that I have some kind of connection to. I’m not necessarily judging; We all have our downfalls, I just don’t bother to broadcast mine to every person I’ve ever met. The fact that I have these observations make me feel old. I know I’m being a crotchety old man sometimes, but I’m just being honest. Somebody has to confront these sinners.
Even as the old-balls feel is sinking in, I think I feel a little more youthful than the next guy; I’m happy that I still read comic books, crack jokes, play video games and wet the bed… But I still feel like Grandfather Time is looking down on me like Sandusky in the locker room. How the hell do I slow this down? I guess the trick is to just make tomorrow count every day. It feels like yesterday that I was dating my now-wife, living in Kirkland and partying like god damn rockstars (with budgets and car payments), now my daughter is days away from being 5 months old.
All in all, in the grand scheme of things there will always be a new Jersey Shore or bedazzled denim jacket that just boggles my mind, but you just learn to accept that you’ll never understand it. I’m done trying to keep up with the times, I have DVR.
In closing…………………..Growing old sucks, but growing up is pretty fun.
