Intruders

My wife and I bought our house in December of 2008. When we bought it, every room was painted a different color, each color more Easter Egg looking than the next. Needless to say the house needed work.

One of the main concerns was the status of our backyard. The flowerbeds and plants were perfectly colorful but the back fence was only half standing. Having a dog we clearly needed an effective fence.

In the first months of home ownership I had the pleasure of experiencing my first set of trespassers. My Miniature Schnauzer, Dakota, and me sat in the backyard with my Father-in-law as three very large raccoons marched through the broken fence boards of the back fence. These raccoons walked into my yard like this was a public trail. One of ‘em actually made eye contact with me then flashed a gang sign at me.

That pissed me off.

Those raccoons eventually made their way out of my yard. It was like when those gangsters bumped into Ricky on Crenshaw in Boyz in tha Hood; there was some friction, it was confronted, ignored and we moved on.

But much like the gangsters in the movie, these raccoons weren’t done. I figured if I built a fence we could count on these raccoons staying out of the yard and away from my football sized dog. For months these rodents steered clear. However one morning I awoke to see two big ones in my backyard. When I went outside to scare ‘em off, they stood up and looked at me like most humans that see me wanting a fight do… “Really?”

Flash forward two days….

So I’m setting the sights for the scope on my new high-powered pellet gun. I start contemplating where to put the gun and the pellets that is near enough to the back door that when a raccoon comes strutting in I can immediately lock and load and pop that little bastard.

Flash forward two months…

No raccoons. I think the fallen victims to target practice may have been a deterrent to enter my yard. Frankly I’m a little pissed I haven’t gotten my revenge. It is now June of ’10. I feel like a soldier that has all this training and no time in action. Then it happened.

I woke up about 6:00am for work on this morning and my dog is looking at me like “I’ll give you a choice Dad, the carpet or the yard?” So I walk her to the back door to see four beaver sized ‘coons just chilling in my backyard. One walking on the fence, two adults walking the fence line on the ground, and a baby about half the size as the others trailing close behind.

I thought “Aaaaahhhhh….. I’m going to have to shoot this bitch in front of her baby?”
My army fatigues at this point consist of boxer shorts that have comic book superhero WOLVERINE on them. I grab my gun, load it, take the safety off and quietly walk on to my deck making sure to keep Dakota in the house. She clearly wants to see what Dad is about to do to these critters so she hops to the closest window overlooking the back yard and stands on her hind legs watching.

These illegal immigrants of the United State of Nicholls had no clue the President and CEO had the intention of revoking their occupancy cards. I picked the biggest out of the bunch; though I was very tempted to shoot the one on the fence and watch him fall off (most funny option in my head), my goal is efficiency. I popped the big one in the neck, watched it shake off the impact and dart underneath my shed. Now I have two points of entrance/exit from underneath my 30’ long shed. These bastards found cover.

I needed to shower and get to work, so I took Dakota out front to do her business and let these turds escape from the clutches of my malice.

Two nights ago I was sitting in this very chair writing. It was late and the temperature was high so the back door was open. My dog sat on the porch as she does many nights. But even when Dakota is hyper enough to chase my cat, you can tell by the sound of her nails on the wood upon takeoff, whether she’s attacking the cat or something else. This night she took off and gave the battle yell the people of Little Big Horn remember. I heard another noise that wasn’t Dakota, wasn’t a cat and honestly did not sound like a raccoon… WTF?

Being scared that those 3 raccoons were plotting a drive-by on the crib (I live in Renton, it’s a constant fear) I ran outside and yelled my dogs name at the top of my lungs. It’s darn near pitch black and running from the well-lit office to the pitch-black backyard made for a very blind situation. But I gave the type of yell that even when you’re done yelling, your throat tingles from over-exertion. Dakota returned unscathed and she thought I was mad at her because of how I summoned her. I eased her mind with a Beggin’ Strip and closed the door.

Last night I was a little more cautious. Door was open just enough to let some air in, but not enough for Dakota to go outside. I take her out for her to do her business and I make sure she is by my side. I see a dark object that could’ve been a number of things run from the right side of my yard to the Man Cave entrance… All these animals are perfectly aware of where to take cover in Old Man Nicholls yard. As Dakota is well trained and sitting on the deck with me while this thing crossed my yard it stopped at the entrance of the tunnel and looked at me. Now it’s dark enough where I can’t see 30 feet out into my yard, but like a mythical beast might, this fucker stared me down with these two BRIGHT, GLOWING ORBS. Could have been a cat, could have been one of the raccoons attempting to graffiti my house. It could’ve been a lemur escaped from the zoo… But it was fairly graceful in it’s movement and had enough confidence to stop in the middle of their escape to taunt me again….

I now have the gun fully loaded, a flashlight by my back door and I have blocked off one of the exits from the Man Cave tunnel to create a choke point. I’m ready now.

If you’re reading this mythical creature of the yard, I dare you to come back. It’s my birthday, I don’t work tomorrow and I’m fully willing to spend the evening making an example of you. Unless you’re a cat… Then come on in, I’ll pet you and treat you nice.